soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
