we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Semen is not good for contacts.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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