Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
