It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
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Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
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I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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