So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
