I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
