After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
