The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
