omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
