I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
either way he was missing a nipple.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
