Small penises have feelings too.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
