Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
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