Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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