I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
