I'm going to jail i love you
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
