he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
