How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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