4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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