I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
