the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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