Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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