You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
