I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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