Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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