He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
