your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
