In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I want a musical about memes.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
