happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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