So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
