I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
