omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
