I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We just shotgunned beers for America
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
