Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
