My underwear smells like fireworks.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
