i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
