Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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