the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Randomize
