My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize