I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
