Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
