Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
