did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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