She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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