where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
