Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
