I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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