I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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