The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
