I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
