The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
someone owes me an orgasm
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
