We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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