Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
