sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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