i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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